I spent a good many months last year trying to save my relationship. After months of upheaval and great heaviness, something broke for us, and my beloved and I each landed in a place where we were ready to let go of our connection and separate. We took a three-hour walk in the rain to discuss how we could transition peacefully and, while on the trail, I asked the question, “Is there anything left here to salvage?”
We didn’t break up that day. In fact, it began a new conversation that led to some realizations that gelled for me later that week on the dance floor. What began as an inquiry into whether or not we would remain together because of a topic that seemed to be about core value differences, became an illumination of the importance of building a bridge together. We needed to co-create a new language with which to communicate where we come from and what we bring, as a means of challenging our individual paradigms. We needed to peel some layers.
One layer we peeled had to do with some unspoken expectations we both brought to our decision to deepen our relationship and move in together. Seven months into cohabitation, the claustrophobic feeling that we needed to be at each other’s beck and call at all times was strangling us both. Dismantling what belongs to each of us and what was actually coming from each other was incredibly helpful in realizing, again, the importance of communicating expectations. Once we identified the issue, ironically, we discovered we’d both been doing relationship with each other by ourselves. And out of that revelation came the profound gift of reclaiming our individual autonomy.
We are a couple. We do not belong to each other. We belong with each other, in support of our individual soul’s purposes. And the core value issue, as I have come to discover, is what an old friend would call our “skunk.” It seems like it is the main issue that might make or break the relationship but, beneath it, is the learning. How do we do relationship? How do we discuss the challenging topics? How do we manage our activated young ones – keep them feeling safe while remaining adult/present and compassionate when we feel triggered? How do we co-create something together that neither of us really knows anything about navigating, when neither of us really understands the perspective of the other? How can we hold space for the other’s truth and still feel safe, seen, secure and like we matter?
I don’t have as many answers as I have questions but what became clear is that, in relationship, the opening door lies with curiosity and caring, counting to ten before reacting and being willing to take turns being heard and listening – actively listening – mirroring for each other what we’ve heard and being generous with our sharing of concern about each other’s truths. It truly is about staying in the conversation.